A quote from someone else blog “I try to think of infertility treatment as a little boost. I have a problem, and a doctor exists to help me try to fix it. This is neither right nor wrong. I know plenty of people who are super fucked up and not normal and came from natural conception. Maybe God decided to create REs because he knew some of us needed help.”
We are moving into IVF. The Dr seems hopeful and is super supportive and I realize what a journey and process this all is.
I sat in a waiting room with hubs for 2 hours yesterday as the snow fucked up things and i was all Zen and calm and patient. In truth, I didnt see a choice, this was not a haircut or something I could do later, there is no later, there is only now. Or as my RE says ” the worst things REs can do is waste time, you can always get back money but you can never get back time” .
so here we go and as the quote says, this is either right nor wrong.
Little person, im coming for you and youre going to love us!
Im terrified, Im gaining hope and Im losing myself. Or I think I am. I am growing and changing from the waiting and the fear and the plan.
But I cant feel over run with it all, i have to be me and let the process take its course.
My very very close friend has a terrible lung disease and we speak often about life, being sick and living each moment. she has been my friend for many years and incredible sounding board for life.
She sent me this email “I thought you should read this…. Trust me http://m.xojane.com/issues/first-trimester-miscarriage-stories“
and my husband looked at me and said “read it when you can”.
But i trust her and so i read.
We are brave because we connect and want to share our stories but what if we were in a world where loss wasnt so private?
Read it, trust me.
Little person, come to us ❤
Each feeling I have I should acknowledge. None of my feelings are small.
I went to a graduation party of one of my old students and there was a cacophony of people from my past. They all asked how we were and what we were up to and I said, work, life and marriage is great. I put these words in their heads ” oh do they have any children yet? Is she pregnant, do they have to get home to a sitter”? This was my projection on them. Trying not think these thoughts b/c it makes me almost sound apologetic for my life, like “yes all is going well but we don’t have kids yet, sorry to disappoint you”. This is my guilt and fear but it is not going to stop me from going out and being social.
I read this in another person blog @onlyinfertile and she said “well were young enough or married a short enough time that theres a plausible reason we dont have children yet”
She spoke my mind, hubs and I are married two years, were both in our very early 30’s, so people probably think were waiting but as I write this im thinking, who the hell cares what people think. seriously. I have always done everything at my own pace, hubs lives in his own way so why do I care?
These thoughts just have to be something I overcome, keep track of and understand.
THERE IS NO SHAME IN GOING THROUGH FERTILITY TREATMENTS. THERE IS NO SHAME IN WANTING ONE CHILD, THERE IS NO SHAME IN LIVING THE LIFE YOU HAVE BE GIVEN AND HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHEN IT CHANGES.
That said, its Sunday morning and I will go live life because I dont have a dr’s appt at 7am.
Little person, are you in there?
Come to us, weve got lots of love for you..
Last night I had dinner with two of my best girls. One of my friends who is getting married asked us to be her bridesmaids and then asked if she can give a pep talk to my uterus. She knelt down and talked directly to my stomach and asked the uterus to make a baby so the baby can be in the wedding in some form.
it was the nicest moment and I felt enveloped in love.
Little person? are you in there?
come to us, there’s lots of love here.
I have been having long conversations with others about life lately and one thing Ive noticed is that in the recent past is that I am much calmer and braver than I ever remember.
My uncle was diagnosed with Leukemia but the “good kind” where you can manage it and live your life. My father is flipping out, rightfully so and I am oddly calm and saying things like “all we need to do is love him and be there”. No pride, just the message of being able to feel feelings and know we cannot help and its not about us its about them. That’s how I am beginning to feel about my life. Yes, I feel shitty and nervous and am a mess and get neurotic often but there is nothing I can do but indulge in love and care. I feel my self loving Hubs even harder and I have been braver in asking for things that I need and not being embarrassed or shamed. And I am doing this consciously and being very aware of it.
We did our last IUI this week and now we wait. next step is a baby… and if not we move to IVF which im beginning to piece together and understand. what ive noticed is that I can understand until i am engrossed in it and even then I dont know shit. 🙂
I am hoping everyday and trying to focus on the good and live harder but keep taking care of myself.
Little person? Are you in there?
Come to your loving home, were here waiting for you.